The Ultimate Guide to Bathing a Cat—From a Cat’s Perspective

Listen up, humans. I know you think you’re doing me a favor by giving me a bath, but let’s get one thing straight: I am a self-cleaning, highly sophisticated grooming machine. I do not require your soapy interference. However, on the rare occasion that I find myself covered in mysterious substances (let’s not talk about that time I fell into the garbage can), I suppose a bath might be marginally acceptable.

Since you’re determined to put both of us through this ordeal, let me share my wisdom on how to do it properly—with minimal claw-related injuries.

When to Bathe Me (Against My Will)

Before you get any ideas, let’s be clear: I do not need frequent baths. However, certain situations may warrant this violation of my dignity:

• Long-haired cats (like those show-offs with silky fur) may require occasional assistance in maintaining their luscious coats.

• Hairless breeds need a bath more often because their skin gets oily. Not my problem, but if you own one of them, prepare to scrub.

• Older, overweight, or arthritic cats might not be able to reach every spot when grooming.

• If I have fleas or other uninvited guests, a medicated bath may be necessary (though I suggest you handle this issue with a vet-approved treatment instead).

• If I roll in something gross, like mud, grease, or (gasp) my own litter box mishap, you may have a valid reason to dunk me in water.

Preparing for This So-Called ‘Spa Day’

First, let’s establish that this is not a spa day—at least, not for me. If you’re determined to drag me into this watery nightmare, here’s what you should do first:

1. Trim my claws. I will defend myself. Do this a day before bath time to avoid turning your arms into a scratching post.

2. Brush my fur. Water makes mats and tangles worse, so get rid of them before you even think about getting me wet.

3. Tire me out. A worn-out cat is a cooperative cat. (Well, slightly less rebellious, at least.) Playtime before bath time is a wise choice.

4. Have all your supplies ready. You don’t want to leave me wet and plotting revenge while you scramble for shampoo.

Cat Bathing Essentials (A.K.A. Your Survival Kit)

• Cat-safe shampoo (do NOT use human shampoo unless you want me to smell weird and itch for days)

• Cat treats (you’re going to need a bribe)

• Ear wipes and eye wipes (I do NOT want soap in my face, thank you very much)

• Cotton balls (to protect my ears from the dreaded water)

• A non-slip mat (so I don’t flail and cause a flood)

• Towels—lots of them (I demand to be dried promptly)

• A pet dryer (optional) (only if I allow it, which I probably won’t)

The Dreaded Bath—Step-by-Step Guide

If you must do this, at least do it right:

1. Water temperature matters. Not too hot, not too cold. Lukewarm, like the golden spot on the windowsill where I nap.

2. Wet me gradually. Do NOT dump water on my head! Start at my back and work your way down.

3. Lather gently. If I feel like a bubble-covered mess, I will hold this against you.

4. Rinse thoroughly. If I taste shampoo while grooming later, you will regret it.

5. Dry me fast. Wrap me in a towel IMMEDIATELY. I will wiggle, so be quick.

6. Use a dryer only if necessary. If you insist, keep it on the lowest setting. I prefer air-drying, thank you.

Ear Cleaning—A Necessary Evil

Since you’re already ruining my day, you might as well check my ears. If they’re dirty, use a cat-safe ear cleaner and wipes—but never stick anything inside my ear canal!

Post-Bath Bribery

If you expect me to forgive you, here’s how to make amends:

• Give me treats—lots of them.

• Snuggle me (if I allow it).

• Never speak of this incident again.

Final Words of Wisdom

I hope you humans now understand that baths should be a last resort. But if you insist on scrubbing me down, at least follow my rules. And remember, next time you think I need a bath… maybe just try a damp washcloth first.

You’re welcome. Now go fetch me a snack.